To all the boys I’ve liked before,

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To my first ever crush,
I was young then,
naive and stupid
full of childhood fantasies and make-believe
Maybe I am still childish today
but I had grown a bit more mature,
I hope.
Well, I thought you were
my Prince Charming
You in your neat shirt and crisp black shorts
accessorized with your dimpled smile and
your big, brown eyes
The perfect boy-next-door
We were friends;
that I am sure of
We played around the school yard
everyday after class
And when others boss me around
You defended me and dried my tears
I felt like a damsel in distress
saved by her knight in shining armor
But it wasn’t meant to be something more
You just taught me how to be
kind, to be daring and gentle,
to be generous
and most of all,
You taught me the value of friendship.

To my childhood friend,
It took me ten long years
to move on from you
I thought you felt it too
That flush on my cheeks whenever
we slept over at your house
Those stolen glances directed at your back
The butterflies on my stomach
multiply when you call my name
Did you notice how I stutter
and cringe? How I try to be
on my best behavior at all times?
Well.. That was your doing.
And in my head, you and I
we were the perfect pair
Until that fateful day when
you grew cold and distant
So I crushed my hopes,
thinking how futile it was
to keep liking you
But then you started talking to me again
after five years of silence
You told me things I thought
I would never know
You told me of your dreams,
you goals, and most importantly,
You told me of your girls.
Yes, I was the confidante.
The go-to when you wanted
to know how to impress a girl
But what hurts the most was
you liked every girl except me
Your virtual hugs,
Your endearing pats on my head,
our intertwined fingers,
they never meant anything.
I was just your little sister,
never a lady
nor a woman
not even a girl
Just. Your. Sister.
It did hurt. I’m not gonna lie.
But you taught me the virtue of patience
and for that I’m grateful.
You’re still a heartless,
unfeeling, cruel jerk though
for letting me step on your rollercoaster ride.
Thanks, but no thanks.

To my puppy love,
DAMN YOU!
I was happy, finally free of
boys who would likely
screw me up in some way
But you had to come along
If I had known,
I would have jumped off a cliff
rather than actually get to know you.
Because knowing you led me into a trap
You were my nightmare
Even worse than Chuckie the Doll
and believe me,
I was utterly terrified of that ugly rag doll.
It started out fine.
You and I had a platonic relationship.
You were a bully and I was the victim.
But you became sweet
and had a change of heart
or so I thought.
Not only that,
you thought I was smart,
funny,
amazing,
brilliant,
kind,
BEAUTIFUL.
So why the hell did you let me down?
You said you liked me,
and for a while we had a spark
A connection that was sudden
You made me feel special
You looked at me like I was the only one who mattered.
You listened to my thoughts,
You took care of me,
and showed me I was worth it.
But that was part of your grand scheme, wasn’t it?
You started using me
calling up on small favors
telling me I was the best.
After some time, you held back
slowly closed your doors
I didn’t understand.
where did I go wrong?
You didn’t speak to me for ages
after I have given you everything you wanted
You kept me running around in circles
with every unreplied message,
my dignity withered.
I kept asking why.
Nothing.
Until your birthday.
That day, you told me the answer
You said I was clingy.
Indecisive.
Bitchy.
Bossy.
Fragile.
You said, you couldn’t love someone
who was in fragments.
You said, you couldn’t love someone
who was easily broken.
You said, you couldn’t love someone
who was so dependent.
I believed you.
I shouldn’t have but I did.
I buried myself fifty feet under.
I lost sight of my dignity.
I didn’t feel confident with myself.
I felt unwanted, unloved, broken.
I was shattered and I fell apart.
I allowed myself to be who you wanted me to be.
DAMN YOU BASTARD!
But now, I know better.
I was never one of those things.
I was never the person you said I was.
I was fierce.
And strong.
And beautiful.
You were lucky to have a fraction of my love once.
I will never make the same mistake again.
You’re just a lesson now.
A difficult one to learn
but it was worth it
You taught me how to embrace my confidence.
to be brave,
to be beautiful in my own skin,
to follow my own voice,
to be proud of myself,
To be strong.
You were wrong about me,
I was never fragile.
You were.
For the record,
You were more fragile than I was,
than I ever will be,
Asshole.

 

To my guy bestfriend,
I liked you.
But not in that way.
You were my conscience,
Yopu loved me.
even though I can
never reciprocate it
But you did.
And I am sorry.
Really. Truly. Deeply sorry
I never should have led you on,
You must hate me now.
I hate myself too.
But you will find someone better
someone who is more deserving of your love
I am too strong-willed for you
Too flighty, like a bird.
Too stubborn.
I could make you happy, yes.
But that won’t make me feel contented.
So you made me learn the hardest lesson yet,
to let someone go.
So they can fulfill their destinies.
even without me
I hope you will not understand,
Maybe not today
or tomorrow,
But someday, you will.

 

The four of you
shaped me into who I am today
If not for all of you,
I wouldn’t be me.
even you, guy number three
every hurt,
every joy,
every pain,
all these things that I went through
It molded me to be a better person
Now I can say to that special someone
who will hold and guard my heart next,
I am prepared now.
To be a damsel in distress,
to ride a rollercoaster,
to experience sweet dreams or the ultimate nightmare,
to let all feelings go.
I am ready to get hurt.
I will embrace the pain,
If you’d be worth it.
I hope you are worth it.
or else,
You’ll just be another lesson
and eventually become guy number five.

So I hope you are different,
This time,
I hope and pray
that you’ll be the one
The only one
for the rest of my life.

DISCLAIMER:
I know this poem is quite lengthy but I would like to take that risky leap and bare it all- the deepest secrets of my heart. This was actually written last April 19, 2017 and I swore to myself that if ever I would start a blog, this would be published (even though some of the guys mentioned above might get to read this). In the event that they do, I bear no ill feelings towards each of you. I have forgiven you a long time ago and I hope you will forgive me too. That said, I hope you enjoyed reading this. Let me know your thoughts about this one so feel free to comment down below (I might answer back).

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